There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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