There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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