Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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