nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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