we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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