what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
