seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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