just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
