woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
