He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
