fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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