Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
