He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
