That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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