I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
