I molested 6 butterflies tonight
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
