I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
