so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
