I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
how do flat chested girls get laid?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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