I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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