but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
