96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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