Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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