yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
