Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
