I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize