There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
