i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
