i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
