The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize