the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize