I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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