Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
