Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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