Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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