i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
