Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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