If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
