Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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