I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
