It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
