Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
