I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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