I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
