My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
