Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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