I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
