i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
