I think this baby is eyeing my beer
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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