My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
