The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
