whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
