Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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