Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
