Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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