i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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